Well thank you. How do I feel about it? Hm. Well, firstly, I don’t see it as insanity, but that’s because I spend a lot of time in Lydia’s head.
What’s weird is that I don’t see it as drastic, either. I was actually quite surprised at some of the negative reactions to Friday’s video. I was a little worried in the way of like oh, geez, you think this is bad, you’re gonna hate Tuesday’s. But thankfully it seems many of you are seeing past Lydia’s words and into her actual feelings. Yeah, if you’re taking her words at face value you are not gonna like her right now. But I can assure you that some of the things she’s saying are very different from the things she is feeling. This has always been the case with her. Many of you are picking up on that so I hope that means I’m doing okay.
Something about Lydia that I don’t think we’ve ever seen until these last few weeks is that she is very good at being mean. I think a lot of girls have been mean to her in school and she has gotten quite sharp at retaliation and protecting herself. I don’t think that is who she truly is, which is an optimistic hopeful person, and that’s why I think many of you are quite upset to see her acting this way. Which makes me feel good on one hand, because I know it hurts to see someone you love acting in a really terrible way when you wish you could just tell them what the problem is and how they should fix it. But often when we are in these scenarios, it is much harder to see them with the objectivity that people around us can. Same for you all as the audience.
Many of you feel like Lydia is overreacting. I’m not going to say she isn’t, but, as many others of you are pointing out, her actions are not simply because of a very poorly chosen gift from Lizzie. This is years of misunderstandings and belittlements and feeling left out. And I’m not saying it’s all Lizzie’s fault. Lydia does it to Lizzie too—clearly. They do it to each other. But at this point in the story, we are seeing the effect of something that has been building up for a long, long time. Lydia has been suppressing a lot of her hurt and anger for so long that it is being released with a force that nobody expected.
(I also think Lydia was very embarrassed to having been given such a gift on camera, and then have that broadcast, when she clearly cares very much what you all think of her. Her way of reacting to being so embarrassed is by trying to reassert who she is and what she can do via vlog. Hence, Dear Lizzie, etc.)
And I want us to keep in mind that Lydia is not stupid. There is a line of thought going around about that if people tell you for long enough that you are one thing, eventually you just give up and decide to be that thing in spades. Not only that, but in my mind, Lydia is on tumblr and checks her tags. She looks at the youtube comments. She knows what people are saying about her. And that probably is only making her hurt and act out more. If she is destined to be a screw-up in Lizzie’s (and your) eyes, then by God she’s going to be the worst screw up she can.
(And there are many other reasons that some of you are picking up on in such lovely, wonderful ways. You say some things about her better than I can and that fills me with so much excitement.)
Now. Lydia is also feeling other things besides resentment and spite. I hope through your feelings from today’s episode you were able to pick up on the preview for the next one. I am afraid to say too much, but just…don’t write her off, yet. That good heart that you know and miss is still very much alive and beating inside of her. There’s still plenty to come.